Is your resume spicy enough to get off unemployment?

With COVID-19 forcing businesses to close, many people are getting furloughed or fired. And although unemployment is oh so tasty right now, it’s probably a good time to get yourself a spicy resume.

A few tips for your efforts in writing a new/updated resume:

  1. If you’re applying for a job and are given a job description, copy 90% of the words in the description. If the job description has “Must be excellent with Microsoft Excel” and you’re an absolute caveman with Microsoft Excel, include “Has heard of Microsoft Excel” in your resume. If it says “Must have 3 years experience”, and you have had 2, include “Has 3 minus 1 years of experience”. Obviously these are jokes, but the point is, there are many programs that will filter for keywords in your resume and you want to give yourself a chance to make it past those filters. Especially if you are applying online. Not to mention you may have a skill one employer is looking for that you wouldn’t think to include in your resume without it being mentioned in the job description.
  2. Have all of your most relevant information at the top of the page and remember that no one cares that you collect beanie babies in your spare time. Everything in your resume should either spark conversation, or be a discussion point to tell stories and show off your knowledge. No need to include hobbies and interests unless they’re actually relevant to talk about.
  3. Don’t be racist. There should be just as much black on the page as there is white. If the page has too much white space that means you didn’t include enough information to really fill out a resume. If the page contains too much text, that means you’re talking too much about how you used to fold clothes at the American Eagle in high school for sweatpants money.
  4. For the love of God, get a new e-mail address. If you use the email Lov3z2SPOONB00ty69@hotmail.com on your resume, please make sure you’re applying for an internship as a professional snuggler and no where else.

For more tips, advice and assistance:

As an offer for quarantine, for only $25 to my Venmo account, I will spend unlimited time assisting you with your resume, LinkedIn and prepare you for your interviews. For every friend you recommend me to, who follows through with accepting my help, I will venmo you $5. Which means you can get my help for free or save up for some sweet chick-fil-a

Leave a comment on this post and DM me on Instagram at @andrew_alves8 if you’re interested in assistance.

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