In 2020 we have gone from “making a grocery store run” to “fending into the unknown for supplies”. How deadly has this simple task become? Let me paint a picture for you. You wake up, roll out of bed, stare into your closet and make the first crucial decision of your day, “ehh, sweats”. Purely due to muscle memory, the first thing you do is open your refrigerator door and realize month old pickles and sriracha is not a well balanced meal. You notice it’s a nice day out, so you decide to walk to your local stop & shop.
Along this half mile walk, you see other risk takers walking along the same sidewalk as yourself. These potential grim reapers are on a collision course directly towards you. Both of you are wearing masks and gloves, but you walk into oncoming traffic anyways because, fuck it, you ain’t risking it and if death is unavoidable it might as well be swift and at the hands of a 1999 Toyota Echo… You close your eyes and blindly walk forward… But Wait… Congrats! You’ve successfully avoided your first near death experience of the day. (Near Death Counter = 1)
As you continue to the grocery store you realize that the parking lot is absolutely filled. As someone who saw Osmosis Jones once or twice you know this is, medically speaking, a red flag. You enter against the professional medical advice given, by yourself, to yourself and have come to your second near death experience of the day… cart or basket selection. The history of these communal food cages is unknown and therefore are 100%, without a doubt, contaminated. Luckily the local stop and shop has provided little wipeys. Looks like you’ll live to read my blog another day. (Near Death Counter = 2).
You’re wearing your mask and have been granted permission to purchase necessary items for survival by the scrawny 16 year old who doesn’t give a shit. As you walk around your normal route through the store you begin to get some dastardly looks. The total fear and pure disgust given to you by other adventurers in the store begin to make you question, “Holy shit, when’s the last time I showered…”. Right about now is when your attention shifts to the ancient markings on the floor, markings made by the tribes of the stop and shop employees. It’s duct tape. In the shape of what seems to be a modern day arrow. Apparently the isles are all one ways now. You unknowingly almost killed yourself and everyone in the store with your actions. Luckily you can embarrassingly turn around and loop all the way around the store to get where you need to go. Fuck it, be honest, you needed the steps anyways. (Near Death Counter = 3).
After you’ve acquired your items, you wait in line about a mile behind the person in front of you. This saves you from impulse buying a hershey’s cookies and cream bar since it’s just a blur from where you’re standing. You’ve placed your items on the belt and are greeted by an employee named Brad who is protected by a small plastic wall. You have the overwhelming feeling that you’ve become the human version of a sneeze at a buffet. This interaction is the only human interaction you’ve had in a month. You want to talk about how crazy everything is and really open up about yourself. You begin telling Brad that you’re beginning to lose you mind, you want everything to be over with and you miss your friends and family. You explain how this happened previously with the Spanish flu and assure him we’ll make it through this together. You proclaim that friendship, compassion and patience will reunite the world and the bonds we build will be stronger having gone through this. You explain our perspectives have been forever changed and we have learned a valuable lesson about not taking anything in life for granted because tomorrow it could all be ripped away from you. Brad gives you “the look”. And you realize this is every conversation he’s had all day and you should just shut the fuck up and pay for your groceries. After the purchase is complete and your items are now in bags, you make a mad dash for the exit as you’ve just survived yet another near death experience. (Near Death Counter = 4).
To answer the question, How deadly has going to the grocery store become? Four. The answer is Four.
NOTE: It’s important to note this post is a joke making light of a very real very difficult situation we are all in. COVID-19 should be taken seriously and I strongly urge everyone to stay safe for the sake of themselves and their loved ones.